Please help me to edit this essay writing as i practice it in order to retake the IELTS exam by the end of September or the beginning of the following month. Feel free to comment. I would appreciate all your valuable comments on my essay topic. Thanks in advance for your help.
Here is the following writing:
Topic: The inequality between rich and poor nations is now wider than it has ever been before. What do you think are the main causes of this difference and what do you think can be done to reduce the gap?
Even if we are living in the same globe or world, but the differences still exist and are in a process of expanding from time to time. And one of them is the gap between rich and poor nations which results in education, technology and capital. Those are the main causes of this inequality. However those can be reduced gradually by several solutions which will be listed in details as the following description.
First of all, rich nations have been known as having high technology which allows them to upgrade their productivities in several fields quicker than poor nations. For example, most agriculture in Asia regions has been practiced through human power rather using machines unlike developing countries. In comparison of these 2 factors, it shows that developed countries are in great advantage to step up ahead of those who apply traditional habits for their daily routines. Secondly, education is considered as one of many causes for this discrepancy due to the facts that education is a basic background in developing and growing for any nations. While rich nations have a plenty of modern educational materials in helping them to accelerate their growing in a short time, poor nations only have books and minor equipments to rely on for their learning process. It is noticeable that having additional items or equipments such as computer does help to make the great improvements in education. Thirdly, capital is a vital resource in fast-growing. It can be used to certain purposes such as expanding knowledge, development or investments. It is hard to imagine that poor nations can grow without financial resources to operate their activities successfully.
Even though, those three factors are the main causes in gaping between rich and poor nations, there are several ways in reducing that gap. Firstly, developed nations should provide supports both financially and technically to developing countries via non-profit organizations (NGOs) or loans with or without minor interests. If those supports are applied, poor nations have chance of both learning and growing independently in the future once those supports are withdrawn. Along with that, developed countries can provide technical assistances related to agriculture, business or other fields which are useful for poor nations to grow sustainably.
In conclusion, while this inequality occurs between rich and poor nations, it means that this problem is spread globally which one nation cannot solve this alone. So it is to believe that rich nations should provide any possible supports to poor nations in order to minimize this gap together as one.
Question: The inequality between rich and poor nations is now wider than it has ever been before.What do you think are the main causes of this difference and what do you think can be done to reduce the gap?
Look at the sample written essay by a student below. The red color words/phrases with numbers are where should be corrected.
A written IELTS essay answer to the question:
Through the years the disparity among the industrialized and the undeveloped countries has 1.advanced. It can be argued that the lack of education and 2.how the government institution of a state functionsare the reasons behind this experience.
The lack of education has a great impact on the economic development of a nation state. Education plays a vital role in 3.acquiring jobs, learning new skills and bringing 4.comforts of life. For example, 5.myown country 6.Philippineshas been considered to be one of the poorest countries in Asia. This is due to the declining 7.quality educationof the nation causing poverty. Another cause would be the government 8.institution of a nation.
Corruption has been a real issue in the governance of indigent nation. For instance, most European 9.state hasbeen known to be less corrupt compared to African 10.state. As a result, most if not all European 11.nation ismore develop12.compared to other continents.
The solution for this inequality would be a strategic plan to improve the quality of education especially in non-industrialized 13.countrythrough increasing the resources for education although this could be easier to 14.say than to be done. Moreover, tightening the government policies specifically regarding 15.anti corruption16. as wellprotecting property rights should be given priority by every nation.
Corrected with numbers
- advanced – here increased would be the correct word.
- how the government institution of a state functions. – How the government manages state institutions would be a better way to say it.
- acquiring jobs –Obtaining jobs/employment would be better.
- comforts of life – Bringing life’s comforts, or bringing a higher standard of living would be more professional.
- my – IN MY OWN
- THEPhilippines(plural needs country= The UK, The Seychelles)
- quality education – quality OF education
- institution of a nation – better to say: Government running/management of THE nation.
- state has – MOST EUROPEAN STATES HAVE…
- state – should be plural = states
- nation is – nationS ARE more developED
- compared to other continents – Maybe better to say compared to other countries, because you haven’t mentioned continents beforehand.
- country – COUNTRIES must be plural because you didn’t place the article.
- say than to be done – What you wrote was OK but here is a common expression which sounds better: Easier said than done.
- anti corruption –ANTI-CORRUPTION
- as well – should be placed a the end of the sentence.
- TASK ACHIEVEMENT – You were able to give viable reasons and solutions to wealth inequality between countries.
- LEXICAL RESOURCE – State, governance, corruption, policies, all of these are good examples of topic specific vocabulary which you used, well done.
- COHESION AND COHERENCE – Explanation is clear and logical. However incorrect use of some words clouded the meaning, for example: institution.
Good introduction and paragraphing although I did separate the paragraphs with an extra white line to enable myself to follow it better, I would do this for the written. The paragraphs were appropriate and the content was structured well.
- GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY – Good range of grammar structures e.g. Perfect tenses: Has been, comparatives: easier, Conditionals; would be. Some errors are committed, mainly with regards to plurals.